What Life With Fibromyalgia Has Taught Me

When people learn I have Fibromyalgia (Fibro) and how hard life has been living with it, I will often get a question or comment along the lines of, "Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like without Fibro?"

On the face of it, this really seems like a stupid question. Do I wonder what it would be like to not live with pain 24/7, to be able to more easily think and create, or freely do things as a normal person rather than wondering if I will collapse in exhaustion when returning home? Hmmm.. let me think about this...  YES! A thousand times, yes. Several times a day, and sometimes even more.

However, the flip side to this question is, "Have you learned to be content despite having Fibro?" Or really, "Have you made peace with the fact that your life will never be normal?"

Ouch.
Seriously... ouch.
And yet... hmm.... it make me pause and think and wonder.

So, today, after a conversation with a friend on how we respond to life, I was listening to a song called Unstoppable by Sia as I drove several hours home. It talks in the chorus about being unstoppable and confident... at least on the outside. I don't know why this combination sparked a whole bunch of ideas about what I've learned about life, particularly as a result of having Fibro, but let me tell you, the brain cells were pinging. I just let those guys run their course when they are on a roll.

So... in no particular order... here's what I've learned....

1. Some things are universal to every person on earth. Love and pain are two of them. We all long for and experience love of some kind, and we all experience pain, whether it's physical, mental, or emotional. These are things we can connect to when we talk to anyone we encounter. This should allow us to treat everyone better as a result because under our obvious externals lies hearts that desire similar things.

2. Everyone protects themselves in different ways. Protecting ourselves is natural when we are hurting. Some withdraw into silence, some become more aggressive, and others lose themselves in various escapism's. This is natural and neither a good thing, nor a bad thing. It just is. However, we may find that our self protection actually hurts us in the end if we linger in it too long.

3. Love is never the wrong decision, and opening yourself up to love people is never wrong. When you are hurting it's easy... soooo easy... to withdraw and hide, but it is far, far braver to extend your arms to your loved ones and show that love. There may be a chance you are hurt, but the benefit of giving and receiving love far outweighs the hurt.

4. The world would be a better place if everyone responded to and treated those around us with care and compassion. I'm willing to bet everyone has experienced the reverse at least once in our lives. It's hurtful to be treated unkindly. When you are already hurting, to be treated roughly (whether verbal or physical or through indifference) and without compassion is like salt in a wound. Likewise those of us that hurt need to remember that not everyone understands what we have experienced, and that lack is not license to treat those around us poorly.

5. Insecurity is a state of mind. It really is. Often when we feel insecure it's because we are believing we are not enough in some way. We aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty/handsome enough.... it's really awful and can lead to terrible life choices and places if we let those feelings lead. The good news on this is that any state of mind and belief is changeable if we want it enough and take the time to change our thinking. True confidence begins there and works its way outward.

6. Life is not fair, nor is it meant to be. I have heard "this isn't fair" from many people in my life. I have spoken it myself. I had a Bible study at one point a few years ago where the speaker stated that life was not meant to be fair since sin entered the world, and that God is not a God of fairness, but of righteousness, justice, peace and a whole host of other things. Since then I have thought long and hard about that. It's natural to think things are not right. My body doesn't work as "normal," so by all rights that humans claim, this situation isn't fair. Well, it's really not, but as that lady said, neither was it meant to be. It's a result of this world not being perfect. It's a result of stress and disease and brokenness being introduced to it. So, while it's not fair and was never meant to be, neither does it need to be a horrible, mean existence. Which leads me to my next thought.

7. Everyone has agency. This also means that we always have choice. You are responsible for the choices you make, to act or not to act. When things happen to us, we have the choice as to how we respond. Remaining motionless and refusing to choose is actually still a choice. For this reason, you are only a victim if you choose to be. (But really, don't go that path. It's a wretched existence for yourself and those around you.) Instead, choose more.

8. Life is a choice. As we all have agency, we all have a choice, and none so much as to how we each decide to move through this world. When we're in pain it's easy to just survive. Sometimes it's all we can do. And yet, there are times when we have gotten so used to surviving that when the time comes that things could change, we forget that there are other options, either through habit, ignorance, or the weight of other's opinions. However, never forget that life is a choice. You can choose to merely survive or you can choose to live. You can choose to thrive.

And that, really is the culmination of what I have learned from having Fibro: I choose. I choose my attitude in how I greet the day at hand, I choose my actions towards others, and I choose whether to learn and grow stronger or wallow and grow weaker. My physical strength is separate from my strength of will, mind, and heart. While one may grow weaker, the rest can strengthen and pick up the difference.

Now, this all doesn't mean I have it all figured out. (Shhh! Stop those snickers, you...) There are times I forget all of this that I learned and just wallow in a pity party for myself. But, because I have learned all of this, I know I can't linger there and I pick myself up and keep going, putting one step in front of the other.
For my boys, for my husband, and for myself.

My God

Our church is putting on a Bible Study curriculum church wide called Walk Through the Bible. We are each of us participating in a Study discussion group to go more in depth in the material. Our group met last night. 

At one point in the discussion we were discussing the fall. If you aren't familiar with the fall, God first created Adam and Eve in his image and with free will. The fall is where Satan convinces Adam and Eve into thinking that God doesn't really want the best for them and that he's withholding his best from them. Spoilers- he lied. 

During this discussion, someone put forth the answer to a question that God then had to form a new plan and put in place the plan to redeem mankind by sending Jesus later to die for our sins.

This answer irritated me, and I wanted to comment on it then (and almost did), but realized I would derail the discussion with only 15 minutes left in the discussion time. So, I sat on it and stewed. I'm still not sure I made the right decision there. 

You may be wondering, what's wrong with that answer? Isn't that what happened? 

Yes. And no. 

True, God created Adam and Eve with free will. 

True, Satan deceives the pair by convincing them that God is holding out on them. 

True, Adam and Eve fell into sin as a result. 

True, God almost immediately gave clues to the discerning reader that indicated Jesus would become the redeemer of mankind. 

True, Jesus eventually was born into the world, lived, and died bearing our penalty for our wrong stretching all the way back to the garden where Adam and Eve decided to believe that God really was holding out on them and they were going to disobey his one rule. 

Yeah, one rule. They couldn't even get that right. 

So, what's the problem, you ask?

The problem is the belief that after the fall God had to come up with a plan. A NEW plan.

As if when Adam and Eve fell into sin that God. Didn't. KNOW. 

That he didn't know it would happen at any time until they told him. Like, oops! Well, forget that plan, lets come up with something else.  

That Jesus, the precious one, and only ever one, son of God had to then die because of a mistake. A mistake??

No! 

This implies that omniscience, knowing everything, is a lie. This implies that omnipotence, being all powerful, is a lie. This implies that omnipresence, being everywhere at once, is a lie. This implies that... well, basically that everything of who God says he is... is a lie.

No, no, and no! 

This God would be tiny, and small, and weak, and fragile, in need of help. 

THAT is not my God!  

This is putting God in a box of our own making. A God that can't always see what's happening in our lives.

That is NOT my God!

This is saying God can't always do anything about what he does see because he's so ineffective, or worse, that he doesn't care enough.

That is not MY God!

This is outright declaring that God is stupid, making mistakes in huge areas that effect everyone, so why not the smaller ones in our own lives. 

And. That. Is. Not. My. GOD!

My God breaks those boxes, smashing them to smithereens because he's so big our minds can't even comprehend it. 

My God's intellect is so vast, his greatness so all encompassing, that we can't even understand it. 

My God is so powerful that nothing is out of his control, so much that he could tell water to flood, earth to move, and fire to erupt, and all they would ask is how high. 

My God cares so much about every living creature, even to the smallest sparrow in a field, that he knew from the beginning of time that he would be sending part of himself to be born as a baby into our world who would grow up to die for us. . 

My God doesn't need help. He could speak a word and it would be done. There are times he asks for our help, though this is for our sake, not his own. But he does not need our help at all. 

My God is all of these things and so much more.

Sometimes I'll hear people doubt or protest who God is. He can't be such and such a God because I asked for that other thing and this happened anyway. He can't be that because this bad thing happened. 

How do we know those things we asked for are the best things to have happen? 

There's proverb or tale told of the double edged sword of wishes. Such as, you could wish for a million dollars and receive it, but you received it as an inheritance and so doing lost someone important to you. 

I'm not making a correlation between God and these double edged wishes, but more making that point that we don't know what we don't know. 

The Bible says there is a time for everything: a time to be born, a time to plant, a time to harvest, a time to die.

We don't know when our times for these are. They could be in the past, or now, or ten years from now. 

My point is that we don't know how much worse our lives could have been. We don't know what we don't know. 

It all come down to this one thing.

Do you trust God? 

Do you really trust him? 

If you trust him completely, then it becomes incredibly simple. You just keep doing the one thing He tell us all to do.

Believe. 

Believe in him.

Believe he is who he says he is.

Believe that life can be different. 

Believe that this is not the end. 

Believe that no matter how bad things get, God knows about it, grieves for it, and will take the pieces of our lives that we don't know what to do with and make something incredibly beautiful from it.

Now, I'm certain the person that answered about God having to make a new plan didn't think what they said meant what it means. 

But it does. 

And it wasn't. 

It wasn't a NEW plan, it was always the plan. 

And, yes, that means God knew they would fall when he gave Adam and Eve free will. 

He did it anyway. 

What does that say about him? 

It says he's big.

It says he's strong.

It says he's powerful. 

It says he knows everything.

It says he's 100 steps ahead of everyone.

It says he's intelligent. 

It says he cares.

Most of all, that he cares. More, that he loves. 

If he didn't, what would make the most sense when creating anything? 

The answer is little slaves to obey and do what he said, no questions. He would have avoided a lot of trouble and pain that way. 

But, he loved us enough to want more for us. 

And he is powerful enough to back it up. 

That is my God. 

What's Your Type? Using MBTI, etc.

Confession.... 

I LOVE figuring things out about people. 

And myself.

It's one of my favorite things. :) Things that just all of a sudden make sense because I find out, figure out, make a connection with one little thing... it gets me excited! 

Plus, if I can help someone with it, so much the better. 

In some ways it's easier to understand other people than myself. 

At times I can be the most sociable person, seeming very extroverted, and at times you might wonder if I am even around anymore because no one has heard from me in a while... 

Believe it or not, all of these things you might find out without even meeting me or knowing as much about me... And the reason is because these are very true for my personality type. 

Now... you might be wondering about personality types. How accurate is this stuff? Does it really make sense? 

(No, I'm not just pulling this out of the ether, I've been asked this often!)

I'll tell you, yes... and no... and yes... 
That's a definitive answer for you! ;) 

To explain what I mean, let me explain and use MBTI for my example as that's my favorite personality system to use. 

There are 16 personality types in MBTI, which stands for Myers Briggs Type Indicator. Everyone will fall into one of these 16 types.

Now, if you grew up learning, as I did, that each person is unique and their own special snowflake that is like no one else, you might take exception to this. 

Just hold on to something and let me get to the end before you protest. :) 

So, how your MBTI personality type is figured out is the answers to two choices within 4 sets of dichotomies. In each of these four areas you might have some of both, but you have a definite lean one way or the other. The important thing to remember in figuring out your type is to answer based on how you are inclined to be, not learned or you wish you were. 

The first is pretty easy... Extroverted or Introverted. Where do you put your attention or gain your energy from?

Most people have heard of these and know pretty much where they fall, even if they've not really heard of MBTI. 

Extroverts tend to gain energy from participating in activities, particularly when there are people involved. Other people energizes them, and often they understand a problem better when they can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say. 

Introverts tend to gain energy from dealing with ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are in their own inner world. They like to be by themselves or only one or two people that they feel comfortable with. Ideas tend to have a life of their own inside an introvert's head. Sometimes they are in their head so much it can cause jarring when ideas don't match reality. 

The second dichotomy is Sensing or iNtuition. What kind of information do you focus on? This one can be a little tricky. 

Sensing tends to be concerned with the physical reality, the present. Sensors tend to remember facts and details more easily, so much so that they tend to use them to work their way through problems and to see the bigger picture. Experience speaks louder than words, and tends to be trusted more than symbols or theories. Sensors like things to be practical and have a use, and learn best when they see the practical application of what they are learning. 

iNtuition tends to pay more attention to the meaning behind the patterns and ideas they see, often being more future oriented as they think about possibility and future potential. Instead of facts and specific memories, iNtuitives remember the meaning they made and the connections they saw more than the actual events, as they tend to trust their intuitions more than the facts. They like to see the big picture first, then make their way through the facts and details. It can often be the case that iNtuitives are in their head so much that they have difficulty putting their ideas into reality.  

The third dichotomy is Thinking or Feeling. How do you like to make decisions? This one is a little more straightforward. 

Thinking people like to find the truth (their goal) and principles behind the facts and events they experience. They like to analyze the pros and cons, weighing and measuring the facts to determine what actions would be most logical moving forward. Thinkers tend to notice inconsistencies, look for logical explanations, and like things to be fair. It is not uncommon for Thinkers to be blunt and completely insensitive, though they are often confused you see them as coming across that way- they are just telling you the truthful facts as they try to be helpful in solving your problem.

Feeling people are less concerned with logic and facts and more concerned with what's best for everyone involved. Harmony is their goal, which is why they get nervous and anxious when it is missing. They will do whatever they can to keep the harmony in place, which is why Feelers are often warm, caring, and tactful, often coming across to Thinkers as wishy washy, idealistic, and too indirect. They tend to make decisions based on their heart and compassion, looking to what is important to others, and for the situation. Because of this it is difficult for Thinkers to predict their actions, causing conflict. 

The fourth is Judging or Perceiving. How do you like to live your life?

Judging is not the same as judgmental. If you associate it with judicious perhaps that will help. These Judges like to have things organized, planned, and orderly, feeling comfortable when they bring structure, control, and decisiveness to their outer world. Obstacles to these goals, particularly when it's Perceivers, bring frustration. Judges like to make lists, make decisions, plan ahead, and be task oriented. Because they can be goal oriented, they often can miss new information and things that happen along the way. 

Perceiving people prefer to be flexible and spontaneous, adapting to their outer world so that they stay open to new information and experiences. Perceivers like to be loose and casual, keeping plans to a minimum. They have their own internal time table, working in bursts of energy, and nothing frustrates them more than someone trying to rush them or push them into making decisions before they are ready (though sometimes they realize it's needed). 

So...  there are the four dichotomies for MBTI and the two options within each! Choosing the one that more closely fits with you for each set should give you your personality type. 

Did you recognize yourself in these options? 

Here's examples:

Me: INFJ- Introverted, iNtuition, Feeling, Judging
Steve (Husband): ESTJ- Extroverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging
Yes, you are reading this right that we have only one category in common! 

If you have difficulty choosing which ones are yours, remember that this is your natural inclination, not what you have learned to be or wish you were.  

Now, I said I would explain about how accurate MBTI is, and if it makes sense. 

Here's the thing... it's accuracy is limited to your answers. 

If your result doesn't seem accurate, perhaps you answered based on how you have learned to be or wish you were? If you have trouble remembering your natural inclination, try to think back to when you were a child, particularly between 7-9 and 14-16. This avoids the onset of puberty when everyone was just a bit tricky to understand, though of course, absolutely delightful.... Really... O.o

If you are still having trouble, I will tell you this much... you are probably a P. 
Or, you are having difficulty with the scope of the categories and the accuracy of the answers (if you took the test), and are probably an I_TJ. ;) 

Back to your objection I made for you (yes, I'm so helpful), about each person being unique, so how can this work... think about it this way... 

With the answers for each, there are 16 possible combinations of the above dichotomies. 

That's more than many other personality systems that only have four, or six. Within each personality type there are variations that can be similar or unique to other variations in the types (When you are only one letter off there can be a lot of similarity!). 

For instance, you can have 16 different cookie cutter shapes for your sugar cookies. Are each one going to be exactly the same? 
Unless you are a master baker, that answer is likely no. There will be a variety in thickness, spreading, decorating shapes, and colors. 

Even if you are a master baker, you will still have variations in decorations and colors... unless you are entirely boring... and no one likes a boring baker! 

(Well, maybe if you are an ST you do because you don't like a lot of change unless you cause it). 

Take a snowman and a gingerbread man. Their shapes are entirely different. They look different, and if they were in a cartoon and could move, they would move differently too. There is no mistaking one for the other. However, they could both be wearing a blue scarf and have a button nose. Or a really cute red bowtie and black hat... you probably get the idea!

You are definitely in one of the personality types! But, you could be similar in some ways to other people in their types because you have ways of doing things or seeing things in common, usually two or three of the same letters in the dichotomies. 

There is also the possibility that you could figure it out, know for sure which one it is, and have it mostly apply to you, but you still aren't convinced it fits entirely well because you look a little different than others in your type. 

Well, that's where some of my own theories come in- based on talking to a lot of people, figuring out my own immediate family's types and dynamics as well as those of others I know and will remain nameless for now to maintain some privacy (and because I haven't asked them if it's ok to share their information). 

Here's my advice if you find your type but it still doesn't seem to completely fit in all areas- Look at your Family of Origin (FOO), or your primary caregivers/influencers. 

Your FOO influences you a lot, more than you might realize until you've gained some years and looked back. It makes sense that it would influence the manifestation of your personality type as well. 

Here's an example from my own life as to how your FOO's types can affect how yours manifests. 

On paper, Steve's and my personality types don't work together. In fact, they are under the heading of "Do not attempt because you will sink like a ship". 

Ok... so I made that heading up. But, that's basically what it was telling me in everything I read. No, I'm serious. You can look them up. 

However, we work well together as a couple, and though there are frustrations at times on both sides, we often balance each other out and have a lot in common that helps a lot. I think we have grown to appreciate each other a lot more over the past 13 years we have been together too. Plus we talk a lot... that always helps! The times we tend to have more trouble is when we aren't talking as much (Coincidence? I think not!). 

But, seriously, he's the best husband ever and I'm so thankful for him and all he does to love and take care of us!

So... why is our relationship so different than everything I've read? Is one of our types wrong? 

Not necessarily. I was thinking through the personality types in both of our families a few months ago and realized that though I'm an F (Feeling), my parents are both strong Ts. Mainly ST's. And though Steve's a strong T (Thinking), one of his parents is a pretty strong F and he spent a good bit of time with that parent. 

My epiphany that day became a theory- one that has held up in other instances so far... We developed different parts of our personalities because of who we were around so much and greatly influenced us. 

Though Steve is still a T, as a child he was used to adjusting for an F. And though I'm an F, I was used to adjusting for a T. In addition, my closest sister in age is an E. So, I'm used to adjusting for both E and T. 

So, Steve's F was a little more developed than other Ts, and my E and T was a little more developed than many F's often are. However, we both are still the personality types we started out with. We did not suddenly switch from one to the other. 

Once I thought of how our FOO influences us within our types, the types and how there are many differences for each of us within the types made a lot more sense!

Because of this influence from your FOO, it affects many different things about how your personality works in life, which I will share in my next post! 

*Please note that much of the text for the MBTI descriptions was taken from myersbriggs.org to ensure accuracy.

Been A While....

It's been a while since I've written here...
just life getting in the way mostly...
and health...
and stuff in my head...
It's just been a lot...
But, I decided I'm going to try to write more and be a little more focused on it. :)
Does that mean I'll be posting more here.......?
Who knows...
guess we will find out! ;)

The Soul...

So, I have been increasingly made aware of an issue. By "increasingly made aware" I mean that I've basically had an increasing burden on my soul that started with a nudge and has recently sometimes seemed as if God is pulling my inner ear, or screaming at me to get my attention.

It seems rather presumptuous for me to put it in those term but that's the best description I've come up with to describe what I'm experiencing.

What this issue is could be summed up in this quote:
"The eyes are the window to the soul."

I've looked up the source and no one I've found in my cursory search seems to know exactly where it came from. The Bible, Shakespeare, Kant, and various cultural proverbs are all cited. There are other variations made based on this quote as well.

For the sake of this monologue (discussion didn't really fit), let us assume already that this statement is correct since numerous people through the ages seem to have accepted it as fact.

The meaning of this quote seems to consistently be that you can see a person's soul through their eyes, whether good or bad. Heart, spirit, soul- whatever you want to call it, it's our inner self.

Lets look in the dictionary. Skipping over some words we find that a window is basically an opening for admission.

Furthermore (I just love that I can use that word!), a window can be viewed through two sides. Not only viewed through two sides, but a window is open for admission from both sides.

Ah. Yes.
(Perhaps you see where I am going with this now. Or maybe you did from the beginning.)

If a window is open for admission from both sides then not only are the eyes a window to reveal one's soul to the world, they are a window to reveal the world to the soul.

Oye.
(Are you with me so far? Regretting getting this far? Or maybe a heavy topic is just what you needed on a Thursday morning...)

So, then, if our eyes reveal the world to my soul, then my soul will absorb, process, and reflect back to the world the sense my soul has made of it, becoming altered from the state it had been a moment ago; and thereby (another word that's fun to use!) showing my eyes to be a window to my soul.

Hmmmm. Perhaps you are at the same place in your thought process as I am in mine in coming to the conclusion that what we then view with our eyes becomes pretty important.

What images, world definitions, and stories do we take in every day with our eyes?

In 2002 there was a quote stating 245 ads and brands are seen in an average day. Recently, another statistic I've heard reports 5,000 ads, including brands you may use in your home, that a person will see every day.

The difference in that is astounding. But, not only am I viewing ads, I could also be viewing movies, playing video games, or just interacting with someone.

[Edit: When I mention these things, I do not mean merely that the things themselves alter our soul, but the messages behind what we see- What is my worth? What do I deserve? Who and what should I love or have affection for? What kinds of things are really funny and which are just disturbing? Not to mention any words our eyes catch notice of throughout the day, or images varying between amusing and horrifying. The number of things we see that impact our souls, hearts, or spirits is just immense. If you read the Bible, you may be familiar with Phillipians 4:8. That's the verse that started me thinking about the impact various things and experiences can have on us.]

And everything I see my soul will intake, process, and reflect back a soul that has been altered. This happens over and over again every day without us even thinking about it.

Now, that's a sobering thought.

So... The question I now need to ask is, "What things do I view that are worth allowing my soul to be altered by it?"

That's a question that won't be easy to answer.

I, also, may really not like the decisions made as a result of those answers.

Hmmm. Decisions.... Now that's a topic that would be good for another time...

Today with Reilly...

Since my sister Becca has revealed to us that she is pregnant with her first Reilly has been fascinated with the idea of having a baby in someone’s belly. He’s been asking everyone. Seriously. Everyone. Both male and female. Please don’t be offended if he has or does ask you because it really is no reflection on you. He just is intrigued by the idea. So, we have had several conversations about this already, about who does and does not have babies in their belly. Today he had a mix of silly and serious, going something like this:
“Do you have a baby in your belly?”
“No, Reilly. Remember, Auntie Becca has a baby in her belly. Not everyone has a baby in their belly.”
“Do I have a baby in my belly?”
“No, boys don’t have babies in their belly. Just food.”
“What about Daddy?”
“No, Daddy doesn’t have a baby in his belly either. No boys or daddies have babies in their bellies.”
“Do girls have babies in their bellies?”
“Little girls don’t have babies in their belly. Some grown up girls do, but not everyone.”
“Does the door have a baby in its belly?”
“No.”
“Does the table have a baby in its belly?”
“No, that’s silly. Doors and tables don’t have babies or bellies.”
“Just people.”
“Right. Only grown up girls can have babies in their belly, but not all of them do. Only some of them.”
“Grown up girls.”
“Right.”
“That’s right, baby babes!” 

[Something I used to call him when he was younger. Now he thinks it’s funny to say it back to me when I say something is right. I always smile when he does, which is probably why he keeps doing it.] :)

Something else we learned from Reilly today-
- Easter is over. It’s all done and turned off. It’s not Easter anymore because they ran out of colored eggs to find.

"Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner"..... What?!?

Well, recently I have been struggling with an often deemed Christian concept.... This concept encapsulated in the phrase often quoted by Christians: "Hate the sin, love the sinner."
It just kept seeming to come up in different instances, conversations, and situations.

I've been struggling with this phrase because.... well, how does that actually work out in life?
If you tell someone you hate what they are doing but you love them, all to often it isn't going to feel like love. They may feel slapped in the face at best, and rejected and unloved at worst. So, how is that actually love?

So, having been sufficiently stymied, confused, and frustrated on the topic, I decided to go to the source- The Bible, of course.
It may come as a shock to some of you, but perhaps not to all to know that nowhere in the Bible could I find a verse that says "Hate the sin, love the sinner". Not a single one. 

Now, there are definite examples of things God calls sin in the Bible. Just read through Exodus and Leviticus and you will probably read almost all of them. I'm not in any way confused on or disputing that.

However, God definitely tells us to love other people in numerous places all over the Bible, particularly in the gospels, but extensively in 1 John 3 and 4. Here is an excerpt of chapter 4 (This and other verses are in NLT):

"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. 8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

9 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. 10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.... 16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 19 We love each other because he loved us first. 20 If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? 21 And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters."

I think that's pretty clear. Though, for the sake of argument, it does seem to reference loving only other Christian brothers and sisters. What about everyone else? 
We aren't let off the hook! Jesus himself said that the only other commandment close in importance to loving God with everything in your being is to love your neighbor as yourself. Your neighbor isn't just people you like or that are like you- It is anyone and everyone. 

So, if this phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner" didn't originate in the Bible, then where did it come from? Well, it didn't take very much internet searching to discover that the phrase actually originated with Mahatma Gandhi, a Hindu civil activist and leader in India...... 

I'll just give you a minute here with that...... 

So, how did this phrase become adopted as a pet Christian quote? I'm thinking it is because so many people find it difficult to come to terms with how God calls certain things sin, but also tells us to love one another. It's a convenient phrase to use. 

I'll just mention a few other things.
Romans 12:9 says, "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. (This is the closest the Bible comes to that sin/sinner saying, but it still has a different focus.) Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other." 

A few verse later it goes on to say, "Bless those who persecute. Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."

I could pretty much highlight that whole section because it is all important. 

Go back and read verse 10 in the excerpt from 1 John 4.
Real love is not judgmental- it is sacrificial.

As Christians, it is not our calling to withdraw from people, even if it is uncomfortable or confusing.
True love is given to us from Jesus who loved us and died for us. If we believe in that and are considered to be "Christians", it does not make us any better than other people, just blessed with the gift we have received. There should be no pride in it for ourselves, because we have no reason to be. We did nothing. God is the one that did everything. He only asks us to give to others as He had already given to us- sacrificially.

We have to remember that we aren't sinless, just forgiven of that sin. We have no right to cast any stones on any other person for their sin (John 8).

Also, remember that the first and second commandment (Love God with your whole being, and love others as yourself) trump every other commandment in the Bible. They are all summed up into these two commandments. Neither of them say anything about how to view other people's sin, only how you are to live your own life.

So..... for me, I'm going to live my own life as I believe God tells me to do. And I'm going to love other people around me as best as I can. I'll also do my best to leave any sin judging up to God, because that isn't my job or my calling.






Edit: This is further thoughts and clarification from questions/comments on facebook...


There is a valid point about not wanting a friend to remain in a sinful situation while I do nothing.
The problem is that I don't think it is a simple cut and dried thing. The Bible is fairly clear on what to do when a fellow Christian is in sin. I'm not disputing that in any way. Though, often that intervention isn't done as the entirety of the Bible indicates and/or the manner in which it is done often could be a lot more loving than it ends up being.

The problem comes in more when talking about someone that isn't saved. The Bible says that any sin separates you from God. Yet, all too often it is a specific sin in another person that gets people all fired up. I don't think that part is biblical. The Bible indicates that a single gluttonous bite is just as sinful as murder in God's eyes, yet many Christians turn a blind eye to gluttony. Point a person to Jesus, yes! But not just on the merit of a specific sin, but rather the sinful human nature we all have. Though, it is important to remember that even though they are physically and spiritually separated from God, He still loves them and grieves for them so we should feel the same.

Also, we can't expect someone that doesn't know God's truth to act on God's truth. Does that sin still separate them from God? Absolutely. But, we ourselves can't judge someone for that because they don't know and don't have the Holy Spirit guiding them. Check out 1 Corinthians 5, specifically 9-13. I think that praying for the Holy Spirit to work in their heart and life so that they will realize the need to turn from sin or see their need for Jesus is a powerful thing and not always used.

I'm not saying "I then need to do nothing". I'm saying "I need to love them and not judge them as though I am better than they are". That love may look very different for each person and situation.

As I mentioned earlier, all to often it is the manner in which people point out another's sin that is the problem. And though we all play a part, ultimately the state of a person's soul is in God's hands, not ours.